Very quickly, my dear Dale, 2012 is coming to an end and 2013 will soon be here. I have such mixed emotions right now.
On the one hand, I am still missing you so very much and my heart is still broken by your passing. I can still feel you next to me when I’m snuggled in bed. Especially on those cold nights when you and I would have cuddled together to keep each other warm. The scent of your warmth is still so fresh…even after over the two years you’ve been gone.
But, because I loved you so much, and I still have the memories of all the happy times – and yes the not so happy times – my heart has all this love just building up inside of my chest. Dale… my sweet Dale… I need to have someone to love.
The start of 2013 is a symbol of another year I’m starting off alone…again. There seems to be no reason to celebrate. I’m hurting so much inside right now… my chest is pounding like crazy.
I’ve made friends with a two men over the past year. But I won’t be with any of them to start off 2013. I haven’t made a deep enough connection to them – nor them to me – to spend this special night with any one of them.
Here comes in the mixed emotions….
I WANT to have a deep connection with one of them. He’ll be in Oregon with family for New Year’s Eve, and he’s sort of the quiet type… somewhat like you. He’s sweet and such a gentleman. He’s smart and funny…and he loves his kids and grandkids. Joe is a widower. He lost his wife about five years ago. He too is still grieving, and is learning to let go. Each time we go out we bring our relationship a bit closer. Like you, Joe is an old fashioned guy… so we’ve only held hands while going to the movies.
There is another guy, Bob – who is totally wrong for me – but there is something about him that I’m attracted to. I think it’s his confidence – and he’s so freaking smart. We had a discussion the other night. The result was that our relationship will be as friends.
I know this is sort of weird. My letter to you starts off with how much my heart is breaking because I miss you so much, and it ends up a laundry list of the men I’ve met.
This is where I get mad at you and want to yell at you for dying. If you didn’t die, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. I wouldn’t be going through this. I wouldn’t be sharing my laundry list with you. Damn you, Dale. I should have made you go to the doctor sooner. I should have risked you getting mad at me. I should have, I should have, I should have!!!!! But, no matter how many times I say “I should have”… it’s not going to bring you back. And now I AM struggling with the dating thing. I AM struggling with my emotions. I HATE what’s happening to me. I DON’T like being alone. I WAS NOT MADE TO BE ALONE – I WAS MADE TO LOVE A MAN, TO TAKE CARE OF HIM – TO LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART.
YOU were that man, Dale.
Sweet Dreams My Love,