I’m Afraid I’m Going To Lose Everything

Dear Dale — I haven’t been worried about life in a long time. Even money worries seem to slide off of me. No – I’m not making any more money. I’m not financially sound by any means.

The new mortgage bill came in. I had been expecting an increase of $215 (and a few extra dollars for increased taxes and such), but instead, my new mortgage is $1,447ish. I broke down and cried. And, I cried myself to sleep last night. Honestly, I just don’t know where the money is going to come from. Krista is still out of work, and Jeremy is back to subbing. His salary varies from month to month.

I’m filled with worry and dread. Having these feelings are not helping, I know. If anything, these feelings are only going to lead to more poverty.

Dale, I do my best to stay positive. I DO!!!  But I keep getting this crap thrown in my face. I’m tired of it.

I feel lost. I don’t know what my next step is.  I should know – but I don’t. I’m tired. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of living from pay check to pay check. I just don’t know what to do next.

I need you, Dale. I need you to guide me. Tell me what I need to do. What is my next step? Who do I call? What words do I use to promote both businesses? I need guidance. Please help me – PLEASE!!!! I need you more than ever!

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)


Dear Dale —- Well, life has been moving along quite nicely. I’ve picked up a couple of new websites, and today I had a meeting with a pizza place in Norco. Most likely I’ll get that account. Julie, the daughter of the owner, and I got along quite well.

Yesterday I went to Angela Tayes-Alexander’s film premiere in Pomona. I’ve been resisting reading her book, “Miracles in Action”, for YEARS, but I knew that I couldn’t put off hearing her story anymore.   Angela’s amazing story is that she’s a mother who lost two of her children in a horrific auto accident on the 215 freeway in Moreno Valley, and how she now inspires others to stand strong… We may not see it, but there is a reason for our journey… No matter how painful it is…there’s a reason.

I have been searching for the past 4 1/2 years for the reason for my journey – and I know for sure that it’s that God wants me to help others heal. Although I’d rather not be going on this journey – because it means that I don’t have you anymore – I graciously accept the challenge.

Sweet Dale — my heart still aches for you. Tears still flow from my eyes, and my heart still weighs heavy. I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling love for you.  You were always the man for me — and you’ll always be the man for me.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)

 

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NLP Training: WOW, Was it EVER intense!

I Can Do ThisDear Dale,

Well, the NLP training was an adventure, for sure. It was extremely intense…something I’ve never done before in my life. It was totally exhausting as well. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Well, the NLP training was an adventure, for sure. It was extremely intense…something I’ve never done before in my life. It was totally exhausting as well. Physically, mentally and emotionally. In addition, it was life changing.

We had many exercises we had to do, and often we had to go back into our memories and pull out something deep within ourselves. And wouldn’t you know — I pulled you up more than once or twice. To say the least, there was a lot of crying going on.

With that all said, I do feel that the experience has given me a new outlook on life. More positive and even more eager than I was before to start this new phase of my career as a grief mentor. I’m even more energized and motivated to help others through their grief, and help them on the road to healing.

I have to say that I’m pretty proud of myself for going through the NLP process. After the first day I thought about quitting. I honestly didn’t think I could do it. But, I kept on plugging away. You were my inspiration. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t hear you tell me, “You can do this, Babe”.

Now that training is over, I’ve got to go back into the books and my notes to help me review what I learned and begin putting all the pieces together. It was a growth journey – and each day I grow some more.

Love you to pieces, Dale. Please keep watch over me and make sure I do you proud.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)


Happy Birthday Dale!

Dear Dale – I thought about your upcoming birthday all week long. And of course, I thought about you and your birthday all day long as well – until I sat down to write my last entry about the NLP classes – That’s when I forgot it. :) I’m hopeless. You know how I always forgot birthdays. I haven’t changed a bit.

Happy Birthday, Dear Dale. Are you celebrating with family and friends?  I hope you are.

Missing you is what I do best these days. I think about you every day.  My starting this grief mentoring business is all because of you. I desperately need to have something positive come out of your passing. I won’t allow your death to be in vain. So you better be watching over me, Dale. I need you now more than ever before.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)

 


The Neuro Linguistic Programming Classes Begin Tomorrow

Dear Dale – well tomorrow I start my NLP classes in Fullerton with Stacey O’Byrne. Really looking forward to starting, but I’ve had a rough weekend with a headache. Saturday I thought I was coming down with something – so I stayed in bed. In the evening, I began feeling better, but still had a headache.  Today I still have a bit of a headache, but I had to get up. There were things I needed to do today in order to be ready for the upcoming NLP classes. Got most of if done – just need to run to Walmart to pick up a few things.

I’ll be carpooling in with Bev Dormer from A Bevy of Birds then staying at the hotel with one of the other attendees for the whole week.  Runa is driving up from Escondido – a long way to commute each day. We’ll split the cost of the room – and that helps for sure. Then on Sunday, the 22nd, I’ll hitch a ride back home with Bev.  All works out for me!

I can’t wait to dig my hands into this class. This class will be a life changer for me. I feel so blessed that I have this opportunity to work with Stacey.

Well, let me check the laundry, then off to Walmart for a few more things.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)


A New Path in My Life – Dedicated to You Dear Dale

Dear Dale,

Whew – where do I begin?  As you probably already know, I’ve been going through some emotional stuff this past year.  Love seems to be avoiding me, and it’s rather disconcerting. I’m beginning to feel as if I won’t ever find that one man who will love me as much as you did.

Things didn’t work out with Steve. It isn’t as if I didn’t give him enough chances – we dated and broke up five times. This last time, on Valentines Day, was the last straw for me.  I’m so glad that I didn’t break up with Dale – hmmmm, did I tell you about him? I think I’ll need to go back and read some older posts. Be right back!

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Well, it seems that I didn’t tell you about Dale. I’ll be quick…..

Met Dale on a dating site. I saw his picture and profile, but I wasn’t interested in meeting him. However, Dale messaged me. And, like the considerate person I am, I responded. Before I knew it, we were chatting away for days, then on the phone….text of phone….every day.

It bothered me that his name was Dale. Gave me the creeps to tell you the truth. But, I had to keep things in perspective. It’s just when he calls or texts, and his/your name popped up on the screen – my heart skips a beat. Anyway, Dale wanted to meet for dinner. We agreed on January 1st – New Year’s Day.  I asked him where he’d like to meet – and this is when I totally freaked out – he said Hunny’s! OUCH!!!  Dale – that’s where you and I first met in person.

I wasn’t sure I could go through with the meeting. In my head, though, I kept telling myself that it’s not the same Hunny’s location so it won’t be exactly the same.

Driving over to Hunny’s that night, I prayed that he was a jerk. “Please let him be a jerk, please let him be a jerk”, I kept saying out loud as I drove. When I arrived, he was standing outside waiting for me. Quite the opposite from when I met you, right Dale? LOL  I still can’t believe that I waited for you close to 30 minutes. So glad I did though.

Long story short – Dale is lovely. A total gentleman. He’s not, however, my Prince Charming.  We have a lot of similar likes and dislikes, and we can carry on decent conversations, but our end game is not the same. Mine is retiring at the beach, and his is retiring in the mountains. Dale isn’t looking for a long term relationship that ends in marriage, and well, I may or may not be looking at marriage – but I am looking at some kind of long term relationship.

When Steve popped back in my life earlier this month – I was going to break up with Dale. Dale does have a bit of a negative streak to him….not a bad one, and it’s tolerable, but I’d prefer that he be more positive. He also has PTSD and Agent Orange – which is one reason why he’s not looking for a long term relationship.  Dale’s PTSD is also dampening my social life. He’s not a party guy – and doesn’t like crowds…all PTSD related.  So, that affects my life as well.

Back to breaking up with Dale —  I was feeling so much angst and anxiety about breaking up with Dale. Although I don’t love him, I do care for him very much. He’s such a dear man. And he’s quite loving. Dale is loveable – just like you.

I cried for days just thinking about having to break up with this dear man. Whew – thank goodness I didn’t. He’s doing all the things I’ve wanted a man to do. He thinks about me, and when he does…he calls or texts me. We talk most every day. He’s supportive of my new career path – which I’ll tell you more about – and he’s always willing to help me when I have problems. He’s piss poor – but that’s okay. I’m not asking him to support me. Both of us being on the broke side of life does present some issues, but nothing we can’t overcome. We don’t go out a lot – so I go to his house and we watch movies and stuff. I don’t see him too often, but that too works for me.  I still have someone in my life who cares about me – yet I can still go “run amuck” as you used to say when I went out with the girls. Right now, I think it gives me the best of both worlds.

Well – I thought I’d be quick. LOL

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Eydie Stumpf, Grief Mentor, eydiestumpf.com, reconciling your grief and healing through writing.

Now, let me tell you about my new career path. In my last post to you I told you I’m thinking about going into grief mentoring. Well, I finally made the decision to do so. My new website is EydieStumpf.com and I’m so excited about this new journey I’m taking. I can help other widows and widowers get through their grief, pain and healing through writing.  My tagline is “Reconciling Your Grief and Healing Through Writing”.  Clients have the option of having me build them a simple blog – like the one I have for you – or do their writing in a journal. I’ll offer one-on-one and group sessions.

I feel so passionate about this. I truly dislike social media – the whole thing makes me feel ill. AND – through grief mentoring I get to not only help others, but it will be a tribute to you therefore giving meaning to your passing, and that you didn’t die in vain. Something good always has to come out of something bad.

I still love you, Dale. You will always be the love of my life.

Sweet Dreams, Dear Dale,

Eydie :)


Keep Calm and Heal: Retrospect

Dear Dale,

Keep Calm And HealToday is Wednesday, February 4, 2015. Today holds no significance – except that I finally finished reading all my past posts since starting Sweet Dreams My Love in November 2010.

I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions since that fateful day when you died. My life has seen so many twists and turns – some good, some not so good.  Since dating, my heart has been broken numerous times, and then patched up again. Yet – I keep on searching for the one man who I can give my heart to as strongly as I gave it to you.  I’m sure I’ve found him – but it’s complicated right now, so I have to keep the bubble wrap around my heart until he’s finally  ready to commit. I’ll write about him another time. Right now, I’m focusing on a new career path.

Healing has happened – for the most part. I still cry for you, I still yearn for you, Dale. What they say is true, time heals all pain. Actually, I want to add something to that – time heals all pain if you allow it. If you want to be healed then you will be.

Over the past two years, or so, I’ve been thinking about working with widows and widowers helping them through the grief healing process. I’ve seen online certification courses, but they cost more than I have.  It’s something I think about often, but I put it on the back burner.

About two weeks ago, I started coaching with Rachel. We discussed my thoughts. She actually thought it as a great idea. My concern was that I’m not certified. She said that I am – I’ve lived through it. I’ve experienced the pain, and have gone through the healing.  Patti, another coach, said she thought it would be a good idea.

Here’s where I’m coming from — I’m totally over the whole online marketing thing. I’m tired of trying to keep up with the changes that social media keeps sending our way. It’s not what I want to do anymore.  I do, however, still enjoy teaching people how to blog. With that said, Rachel’s idea was for me to coach widows and widowers on how to journal/blog through their grief.  Call it grief blogging. Or grief journaling.

When I went for depression/grief counseling about a year after you passed away, I had a lovely therapist. She was so good for me. One of the first things she told me to do was to journal my feelings.  I told her that I was six months ahead of her. I told her about this blog – and she credits this blog for moving me forward and getting me to a place in my head and my heart where I could get on with my life. I want to do this for others. I want to teach people how to blog. I could help them design their blog and teach them how to use it. They wouldn’t even have to purchase domain names or hosting. A simple wordpress.com blog like I’m using for you is sufficient. I’m going to keep it simple and cost effective.

I could hold one-on-one coaching sessions, or group sessions (in-person or Skype/Hangouts). For those who are not comfortable on the computer, I could simply guide them through old fashioned written journaling. I’d be there to listen to them and help them find their own answers, finding their new normal, and finding their way back to living a full and productive life. My only issue is – what do I call myself? I don’t feel comfortable calling myself a counselor or coach. That implies that I have credentials behind my name. I don’t like the word “healer” – it’s too mystic for me. I thought about facilitator. Still mulling all those terms, and others, around. What do you think? Can you throw me some suggestions?

Both Rachel and Patti think it’s a great idea. I think about it more and more every day. Each day I feel closer and closer to the idea. I also see it as something I can do well into my old age. LOL  I can’t see myself doing social media and building websites when I’m in my 70’s. LOL

You know I’ve always wanted to put my mark on this world. I truly believe that this is the way to do it. I’d be helping others, and making a living at the same time.

Reading all my past posts to you has been so fulfilling. Retrospect is wonderful. It showed me that I have come so far. I have become so much stronger and even more full of life that I have ever been in the past. If it weren’t for this blog, I would not be able to see how far I’ve progressed, and how much I’ve grown. WOW – it’s been an amazing journey – one I wish I’d never been on in the first place, but since I was asked to take this journey I’m going to make the most of each day. This new adventure of mine will also be a way for me to honor you, dear Dale, and make sure that your death was not in vain.

I love you dear Dale – I always will. I never knew what love was until I met you. Loving you was an honor and I will cherish our time together forever.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)