Dear Dale,

I’m so scared. I need you to visit with me. I need your guidance.

For_SaleI put the house up for sale. Ed Garland came on Tuesday and the For Sale sign went up on Thursday. Ed is going to start asking for $345,000. That’s more than I thought I could get. Krista and I have begun the de-cluttering process. Ed will take pictures on Wednesday, so we have to clear out some stuff to make the rooms look better in pictures. It’s been an overwhelming task for Krista and I. Jeremy and Haylee are living in Mesa, AZ. Sami fractured her foot, is in a cast, and using crutches. Between my knees and Krista’s back – we’re the blind leading the blind. I have offers from people who are willing to help, though. I’m praying it all works out.

I’m still praying that I’m doing the right thing. Yes…I DO know I’m doing the right thing. The kids NEED to be on their own. I NEED to be on my own.

Ugggg — we went to Casa Grande yesterday to see an apartment. OMG – Dale, it’s so flippin’ small. What the hell am I supposed to do with all my stuff? There isn’t much room for an office in either the living room or bedroom. I suppose I could downsize a lot of office stuff. There’s a huge possibility that I don’t need all the stuff I have. I’ve been a pack rat – so I’m sure I can throw away so much stuff.

Krista and I have to remember to chunk things down and take small steps.  We both have a tendency to look at the big picture – and then this whole new journey becomes overwhelming. Krista is scared too. Jeremy isn’t happy in his new job. He feels he isn’t catching on quick enough. He’s too hard on himself — the guys he’s working with tell him he’ll learn it and not to worry.  Also, it’s more labor intensive than he thought it would be. His knee is pretty scraped up. Enough so that he’s going to Urgent Care out there.  He wants to quit and come back home.  I’m freaked out enough – but that just made it worse.  I can’t move forward until he does.  I won’t let Krista and Sami homeless.  Haylee is with her Aunt Jen in Mesa – I would hope that they could keep her there if push comes to shove. Jeremy could continue to “coach hop”. But Krista and Sami are a different story.

Sooooo — selling the house has infused so many new emotions and feelings inside of me. To me, selling the house and moving into an apartment is cutting off the last physical connections I have with you. I won’t be able to “see” you walking around the house or sitting in your chair in the old office. I won’t be able to “see” or “hear” you cooking in the kitchen. This is YOUR house, Dale. It still breathes your breath. Your essence is still occupying the space.

I’ve begun to grieve all over again. It’s crazy…and I don’t like the way I’m feeling. I’ve worked hard at getting to where I am emotionally. I’ve gone through all the stages of grief and acceptance finally arrived. But now — now it starts all over again. This move is the final step towards letting go.

One thing I won’t miss, however, is being in our bedroom day in and day out. Daily,when I sit at my desk to work, I face the closet. I SEE you getting out of bed and trying to stand up. I SEE you coughing. I SEE you going into a seizure. I SEE you falling. I SEE myself trying to help you breathe.  I SEE the video playing EVERYDAY!

At night, although I have a small full-size bed, I sleep on “your” side of the bed. I get in and out of the bed on “your” side. My feet touch the carpet where you died.


Revelation —- I think that video, and the fact that you are still so much a part of the house might be the reason I’m not doing what I need to do with my business.  NO – I’m not blaming you. I’m blaming myself for allowing myself to be consumed with your memory – and consumed with feeling self-pity, and wanting others to pity me.  I WANT people to feel sorry for me. I WANT others to do things for me. OMG —- Is that how I really want my life to play out? The poor widow. People feeling sorry for me?

NO — I want people to see me as a survivor. I want them to see a woman who overcame her circumstances and succeeded in spite of her losses. When I divorced the first husband, I was a go-getter. Now, as a widow – I’ve lost that drive. Grrrrr…… I’m going to rekindle that drive – and make it go into high gear.

YUP — moving is the best thing I could do. So, I’ll move into Casa Grande, or another 55+ community, but at the same time, I’ll be driving myself to success so that I can get a bigger and better apartment.condo. I don’t need the hassle of home ownership anymore. That ship has sailed.

Dale — I’ll always remember you. If no one else does — I will. You were my best friend and I miss you tremendously. Nothing could erase your memory from my heart. But I do have to erase that damn video — especially if it’s what’s holding me back.

Love you for eternity,

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)

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A New Journey: I’m Scared

I wrote to you back on May 1st about the possibility of losing the house. Well, it’s probably going to happen. Since that letter to you, I got a letter from OCWEN — apparently the loan modification you worked on with them is an adjustable rate mortgage, and now it’s come due. In addition to the $400 the mortgage is going up, let’s add another $200 for the ARM.  You know… I totally forgot that the load mod was an ARM. The moment I got the letter – my brain kicked in.

I hope you’re not going to be be disappointed but I’m going to put the house up for sale and move into an apartment. Jeremy found a job in Mesa. He went out on Friday for a job interview he had set up fro Monday. Jason, his half-brother (the one they all stayed with when you threw them out), helped him get a job with the home construction company he works for. I believe that Jeremy can start next week. Krista is a bit upset/sad – she really doesn’t want to move to AZ. Her roots are here. She’ll miss me, and of course I’ll miss her. So much is changing….and so quickly too.

I’ve thought about just renting the two bedrooms – but if I get lousy people in then I’m stuck. And that won’t give me the independence I’ve been yearning.  But if I sell the house, then I feel as if I’m cutting the last ties I have with you. Everyday I see things that remind me of you. The whole house is YOU! It still has your breath inside and outside.  I’m afraid I won’t get much for the house, and the solar panels I had put on the roof may be an issue when selling. The house has been falling apart of the lasts 4 years. I haven’t had the money to do much to it in the way of improvements. And that’s just another reason to sell. I can’t keep it up. I can’t do it justice. It needs a total gut job. I don’t have the money or the know-how. Now…. if you helped me win the lottery — there’s a chance I can keep the house. I still have your Super Lotto Plus ticket on the corkboard behind me.  If I play it – can you pull a few strings? LOL

I’m scared, Dale. Real scared. I don’t know if what I’m doing is the right thing. Do I sell or try to rent? If I sell am I giving up? I’ve worked so hard to keep the house. I’m tired now. I think I fought a good fight, and it’s time to let go and start over. Life will be simpler, I pray. I know that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I know that there will be pitfalls living in an apartment. I just have to figure out which decision will be the least complicated, and the most beneficial to me – emotionally, physically and financially.  I mention physically because I’m concerned that I won’t have the convenience of the driveway and the short walk from the truck into the house.  Apartment living won’t be as easy in that respect. My parking spot might be so far away from the apartment. Then I’ve got to walk through the building to get to my apartment.  On the other hand, I’ll be walking more – and that’s a good thing. My knees are a huge concern – and once my knees start hurting, the pain runs up into my hips and back.  I know it’s mostly my weight – so the parking/walking thing is probably a good thing. Not at first, I’m sure, but in the long run it should be a positive. I just have to keep that mindset.

Also concerning me is the packing and moving itself. Again…my physical condition is not conducive to the intense labor. I’ll have to make it a point of throwing something out every time I head outside. I still need to sell the Limoges, but still need pricing. I contacted a company that buys and sells Limoges – but their response was dumb. I’ll have to re-read their email to me and try to make some sense of it.  In regards to the P38…I’m going to ask Evin if he’s still interested in it and have him do some pricing research. I need to buy a new laptop, and I’m fixed on buying a MacBook Air. I have a balance on my Best Buy card, plus with the sale of the P38, I can buy the Mac I want. Peggy said her son can get them cheaper… I’ll have to talk to her and get his phone number.

So much is happening right now. Dale, I need your guidance. I need you to help me make decisions and send me signs that selling the house is the right thing to do. I also need signs that Krista and the family moving to AZ is the right thing to do as well. They NEED to be on their own, and I NEED to be on my own. I was hoping I’d be on my own in a condo at the beach, but that dream seems to be alluding me.

I would also love your help in building my grief coaching business. Please help me find the confidence I need to move forward and find clients and places to hold Grief Clusters (groups). I’m reading The Artist’s Way and doing The Morning Pages. The author suggests doing creative clusters – I like the word ‘cluster’, but I don’t’ want it to sound hokey either. Currently, I’m working with Angela Alexander on building a grief conference in October 2016. It’s called, “Good Mourning and Good Grief” conference.  Parkview Hospital has okayed the use of their meeting facility. We have Lauren, our event planner, working on details and Angela and I are working on the marketing end with a Facebook Page and Group, our website and monthly teleseminars. See…didn’t I tell you that so much was happening in my life right now. Whew – sometimes I feel overwhelmed.

Well, I need to start my day. I overslept this morning and now I must get moving. I love you still….and I miss you terribly. You are always in my thoughts and in my heart. And the more I dig into the grief coaching and working on the conference, the more you’re thought of and the more I love you.

Sweet Dreams My Love,
Eydie :)

Happy 17th Anniversary, Dale

Dear Dale,

So much on my mind these days. Thinking about selling the house, the kids are thinking about moving back to Arizona (and I have thoughts of that as well), the business is not going as I planned, and money is just not coming in fast enough to keep up.

Dale Stumpf, Riverside National CemeteryWhile I was visiting  your grave on Wednesday I totally forgot that the following day was goiIng to be our 17th wedding anniversary. Thursday morning rolled around and I looked at my calendar – and there it was — I noted our anniversary, but sadly, I had forgotten. I began to cry. There I was — WITH you at the cemetery on Wednesday, and I totally forgot about the day we got married. I even hummed a few bars of “I Cross My Heart” as I touched the words on your headstone (See the video below).

I tried thinking about when I could get out there again. Geeze – you’re NOT that far!  But, I have to have a full open day because I just don’t know how I’ll be after my visit. Sometimes (most times) I’m good, but there have been times when I haven’t been good. Sigh.


Well, Dale… you know that I think of you every day. My heart still belongs to you.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)


I’m Afraid I’m Going To Lose Everything

Dear Dale — I haven’t been worried about life in a long time. Even money worries seem to slide off of me. No – I’m not making any more money. I’m not financially sound by any means.

The new mortgage bill came in. I had been expecting an increase of $215 (and a few extra dollars for increased taxes and such), but instead, my new mortgage is $1,447ish. I broke down and cried. And, I cried myself to sleep last night. Honestly, I just don’t know where the money is going to come from. Krista is still out of work, and Jeremy is back to subbing. His salary varies from month to month.

I’m filled with worry and dread. Having these feelings are not helping, I know. If anything, these feelings are only going to lead to more poverty.

Dale, I do my best to stay positive. I DO!!!  But I keep getting this crap thrown in my face. I’m tired of it.

I feel lost. I don’t know what my next step is.  I should know – but I don’t. I’m tired. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of living from pay check to pay check. I just don’t know what to do next.

I need you, Dale. I need you to guide me. Tell me what I need to do. What is my next step? Who do I call? What words do I use to promote both businesses? I need guidance. Please help me – PLEASE!!!! I need you more than ever!

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)

Dear Dale —- Well, life has been moving along quite nicely. I’ve picked up a couple of new websites, and today I had a meeting with a pizza place in Norco. Most likely I’ll get that account. Julie, the daughter of the owner, and I got along quite well.

Yesterday I went to Angela Tayes-Alexander’s film premiere in Pomona. I’ve been resisting reading her book, “Miracles in Action”, for YEARS, but I knew that I couldn’t put off hearing her story anymore.   Angela’s amazing story is that she’s a mother who lost two of her children in a horrific auto accident on the 215 freeway in Moreno Valley, and how she now inspires others to stand strong… We may not see it, but there is a reason for our journey… No matter how painful it is…there’s a reason.

I have been searching for the past 4 1/2 years for the reason for my journey – and I know for sure that it’s that God wants me to help others heal. Although I’d rather not be going on this journey – because it means that I don’t have you anymore – I graciously accept the challenge.

Sweet Dale — my heart still aches for you. Tears still flow from my eyes, and my heart still weighs heavy. I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling love for you.  You were always the man for me — and you’ll always be the man for me.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)


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NLP Training: WOW, Was it EVER intense!

I Can Do ThisDear Dale,

Well, the NLP training was an adventure, for sure. It was extremely intense…something I’ve never done before in my life. It was totally exhausting as well. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Well, the NLP training was an adventure, for sure. It was extremely intense…something I’ve never done before in my life. It was totally exhausting as well. Physically, mentally and emotionally. In addition, it was life changing.

We had many exercises we had to do, and often we had to go back into our memories and pull out something deep within ourselves. And wouldn’t you know — I pulled you up more than once or twice. To say the least, there was a lot of crying going on.

With that all said, I do feel that the experience has given me a new outlook on life. More positive and even more eager than I was before to start this new phase of my career as a grief mentor. I’m even more energized and motivated to help others through their grief, and help them on the road to healing.

I have to say that I’m pretty proud of myself for going through the NLP process. After the first day I thought about quitting. I honestly didn’t think I could do it. But, I kept on plugging away. You were my inspiration. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t hear you tell me, “You can do this, Babe”.

Now that training is over, I’ve got to go back into the books and my notes to help me review what I learned and begin putting all the pieces together. It was a growth journey – and each day I grow some more.

Love you to pieces, Dale. Please keep watch over me and make sure I do you proud.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)

Happy Birthday Dale!

Dear Dale – I thought about your upcoming birthday all week long. And of course, I thought about you and your birthday all day long as well – until I sat down to write my last entry about the NLP classes – That’s when I forgot it. :) I’m hopeless. You know how I always forgot birthdays. I haven’t changed a bit.

Happy Birthday, Dear Dale. Are you celebrating with family and friends?  I hope you are.

Missing you is what I do best these days. I think about you every day.  My starting this grief mentoring business is all because of you. I desperately need to have something positive come out of your passing. I won’t allow your death to be in vain. So you better be watching over me, Dale. I need you now more than ever before.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)