I’m so scared. I need you to visit with me. I need your guidance.
I put the house up for sale. Ed Garland came on Tuesday and the For Sale sign went up on Thursday. Ed is going to start asking for $345,000. That’s more than I thought I could get. Krista and I have begun the de-cluttering process. Ed will take pictures on Wednesday, so we have to clear out some stuff to make the rooms look better in pictures. It’s been an overwhelming task for Krista and I. Jeremy and Haylee are living in Mesa, AZ. Sami fractured her foot, is in a cast, and using crutches. Between my knees and Krista’s back – we’re the blind leading the blind. I have offers from people who are willing to help, though. I’m praying it all works out.
I’m still praying that I’m doing the right thing. Yes…I DO know I’m doing the right thing. The kids NEED to be on their own. I NEED to be on my own.
Ugggg — we went to Casa Grande yesterday to see an apartment. OMG – Dale, it’s so flippin’ small. What the hell am I supposed to do with all my stuff? There isn’t much room for an office in either the living room or bedroom. I suppose I could downsize a lot of office stuff. There’s a huge possibility that I don’t need all the stuff I have. I’ve been a pack rat – so I’m sure I can throw away so much stuff.
Krista and I have to remember to chunk things down and take small steps. We both have a tendency to look at the big picture – and then this whole new journey becomes overwhelming. Krista is scared too. Jeremy isn’t happy in his new job. He feels he isn’t catching on quick enough. He’s too hard on himself — the guys he’s working with tell him he’ll learn it and not to worry. Also, it’s more labor intensive than he thought it would be. His knee is pretty scraped up. Enough so that he’s going to Urgent Care out there. He wants to quit and come back home. I’m freaked out enough – but that just made it worse. I can’t move forward until he does. I won’t let Krista and Sami homeless. Haylee is with her Aunt Jen in Mesa – I would hope that they could keep her there if push comes to shove. Jeremy could continue to “coach hop”. But Krista and Sami are a different story.
Sooooo — selling the house has infused so many new emotions and feelings inside of me. To me, selling the house and moving into an apartment is cutting off the last physical connections I have with you. I won’t be able to “see” you walking around the house or sitting in your chair in the old office. I won’t be able to “see” or “hear” you cooking in the kitchen. This is YOUR house, Dale. It still breathes your breath. Your essence is still occupying the space.
I’ve begun to grieve all over again. It’s crazy…and I don’t like the way I’m feeling. I’ve worked hard at getting to where I am emotionally. I’ve gone through all the stages of grief and acceptance finally arrived. But now — now it starts all over again. This move is the final step towards letting go.
One thing I won’t miss, however, is being in our bedroom day in and day out. Daily,when I sit at my desk to work, I face the closet. I SEE you getting out of bed and trying to stand up. I SEE you coughing. I SEE you going into a seizure. I SEE you falling. I SEE myself trying to help you breathe. I SEE the video playing EVERYDAY!
At night, although I have a small full-size bed, I sleep on “your” side of the bed. I get in and out of the bed on “your” side. My feet touch the carpet where you died.
I NEED TO MOVE. I NEED TO STOP PLAYING THIS VIDEO IN MY HEAD EVERY DAY. IT’S NO GOOD FOR ME.
Revelation —- I think that video, and the fact that you are still so much a part of the house might be the reason I’m not doing what I need to do with my business. NO – I’m not blaming you. I’m blaming myself for allowing myself to be consumed with your memory – and consumed with feeling self-pity, and wanting others to pity me. I WANT people to feel sorry for me. I WANT others to do things for me. OMG —- Is that how I really want my life to play out? The poor widow. People feeling sorry for me?
NO — I want people to see me as a survivor. I want them to see a woman who overcame her circumstances and succeeded in spite of her losses. When I divorced the first husband, I was a go-getter. Now, as a widow – I’ve lost that drive. Grrrrr…… I’m going to rekindle that drive – and make it go into high gear.
YUP — moving is the best thing I could do. So, I’ll move into Casa Grande, or another 55+ community, but at the same time, I’ll be driving myself to success so that I can get a bigger and better apartment.condo. I don’t need the hassle of home ownership anymore. That ship has sailed.
Dale — I’ll always remember you. If no one else does — I will. You were my best friend and I miss you tremendously. Nothing could erase your memory from my heart. But I do have to erase that damn video — especially if it’s what’s holding me back.
Love you for eternity,
Sweet Dreams My Love,
Eydie :)Continue reading