I love you dearly, but because you’ve gone on to live in heaven I’ve been so confused, so lonely, angry, and so gosh darn crazy. These past two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me.
I’m seeing John – sort of. Not only do I have to contend with his schedule as a private investigator, but I have to deal with the fact that I’m the other woman. Long story, but I knew what I was walking into when I got involved with him. He’s not married – so that’s a good thing. His old girlfriend is still living with him. And she’s not ready to give him up…and although he says he wishes she’d move out, he’s not making any attempt to ask her to leave. He told me she has no where to go. While they were dating, she lost her job, so she moved in with him. She’s working now, but making a bit over minimum wage. Her kids are druggies – so he doesn’t want to throw her out with no where to go.
I’m beginning to wonder if he really does have feelings for her.
Anyway, she sustained a work injury. That means she’s been home day and night. My time with John has been at a minimum. Having her home all the time is driving him nuts. He looks for excuses to go to the store just to get out for a few minutes. John still calls me most every day, but our Skype calls have come to a start. Skype was a great way for us to stay connected face-to-face when we couldn’t see each other in person.
I’m hoping that this experience will help him to ask her to leave once she gets back on her feet. If not – then I’m going to say goodbye to him. Dealing with his work schedule was one thing – but dealing with this other woman who he doesn’t even love is another. I know, I know, no one forced me into this relationship – but my heart is becoming invested in him and I don’t want to let go.
Then there’s Joe. I told you about Joe – he’s the widow who lives in Upland. He bought some of your John Wayne statues from me. We dated for a while, but he wasn’t ready to move forward. He was still grieving his wife – and by no means am I saying that he shouldn’t, after all, I’m still grieving you. Another obstacle with Joe are all his kids and grandkids. 8 children and 21 grandkiddos. As you can imagine, his time was also limited. His live is now revolving around his grandchildren. I respect the fact that he loves them so much, but there’s no time left for me.
Oh please – don’t think I’m being a selfish diva. I surely don’t him to choose. I’d lose hands down. But, when he made a lunch date with me for today, and last night when I confirmed our date – then he says that he forgot —– well, that was the last straw. It hurt something awful when I read those words on Facebook. I was forgotten. I’ve been crying ever since.
Dale, all I want is someone that belongs to me and only me. I want someone who loves their grandkids, but makes sure he makes time for me. Someone who loves me. some one who needs me as much as I need him.
Often, I think, am I looking for another Dale? Sometimes I think – well yes, I want someone like Dale. I knew that you and I would take care of each other until the end of our lives. Well, your life ended way sooner than anyone expected. I didn’t get to take care of you as an crotchety old man. :) And you didn’t get to take care of me as a crotchety old woman. :)
Then I think, no… I don’t want someone like Dale. I want someone who loved me like you did, but now I’m looking for someone who is a bit more outgoing than you were, and more willing to open up your feelings. You were frustrating in that regard dearest Dale.
Okay, so then there was this guy who I met on a dating site and before we even met he was calling me babe and sweetheart. I told him to hold his horses – but he didn’t listen…and I guess I didn’t pay attention to the red flags. We met for lunch, and then went for drinks afterwards. He kissed me a few times and held my hand. Then all heck broke loose – he went to hug me, but he went under my blouse and rubbed his hand against my boob! Well, I grabbed his arm and pulled it away from me. He didn’t quite understand why I was resistant to his show of affection. Hey, it’s by body and if I don’t want you touching it – especially on our first date – then the only thing he needed to understand is that I didn’t want to be touched. Even after I explained it to him – he said, “well, be that way”, and he left the club. I had my truck so that wasn’t a problem. He actually did me a favor – I was trying to figure out how to tell him I didn’t see us as a match.
I’ve had a few other coffee meet-ups, and a few more to come, but I venture to think that they won’t be matches either.
So today, I’m feeling so lonely, and so very sorry for myself. I deserve love. I deserve someone to love and who will love me back. Why the hell did you have to die, Dale. What purpose did it serve??? God didn’t need you as much as I do.
Dating sucks – no other way to say it. And dating at my age is far more difficult than it was when I was younger. LOL, and I know where the term “dirty old men” came from.
So, Dale – are you watching over me? Are you waiting for the right guy to come along before you send him my way? Not sure how much you have to do up there – but if you could put an ASAP on Mr. Right I’d be very appreciative.
Love you always and all ways….
By the way…. here’s what I look like these days
Sweet Dreams My Love,