Dating Sucks

Dearest Dale,

I love you dearly, but because you’ve gone on to live in heaven I’ve been so confused, so lonely,  angry, and so gosh darn crazy. These past two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me.

I’m seeing John – sort of. Not only do I have to contend with his schedule as a private investigator, but I have to deal with the fact that I’m the other woman. Long story, but I knew what I was walking into when I got involved with him. He’s not married – so that’s a good thing. His old girlfriend is still living with him.  And she’s not ready to give him up…and although he says he wishes she’d move out, he’s not making any attempt to ask her to leave.  He told me she has no where to go. While they were dating, she lost her job, so she moved in with him.  She’s working now, but making a bit over minimum wage. Her kids are druggies – so he doesn’t want to throw her out with no where to go.

I’m beginning to wonder if he really does have feelings for her.

Anyway, she sustained a work injury. That means she’s been home day and night. My time with John has been at a minimum.  Having her home all the time is driving him nuts. He looks for excuses to go to the store just to get out for a few minutes.  John still calls me most every day, but our Skype calls have come to a start. Skype was a great way for us to stay connected face-to-face when we couldn’t see each other in person.

I’m hoping that this experience will help him to ask her to leave once she gets back on her feet. If not – then I’m going to say goodbye to him.  Dealing with his work schedule was one thing – but dealing with this other woman who he doesn’t even love is another. I know, I know, no one forced me into this relationship – but my heart is becoming invested in him and I don’t want to let go.

Then there’s Joe. I told you about Joe – he’s the widow who lives in Upland. He bought some of your John Wayne statues from me. We dated for a while, but he wasn’t ready to move forward. He was still grieving his wife – and by no means am I saying that he shouldn’t, after all, I’m still grieving you.  Another obstacle with Joe are all his kids and grandkids. 8 children and 21 grandkiddos. As you can imagine, his time was also limited.  His live is now revolving around his grandchildren. I respect the fact that he loves them so much, but there’s no time left for me.

Oh please – don’t think I’m being a selfish diva. I surely don’t him to choose. I’d lose hands down. But, when he made a lunch date with me for today, and last night when I confirmed our date – then he says that he forgot —– well, that was the last straw. It hurt something awful when I read those words on Facebook. I was forgotten. I’ve been crying ever since.

Dale, all I want is someone that belongs to me and only me. I want someone who loves their grandkids, but makes sure he makes time for me.  Someone who loves me. some one who needs me as much as I need him.

Often, I think, am I looking for another Dale?  Sometimes I think – well yes, I want someone like Dale. I knew that you and I would take care of each other until the end of our lives. Well, your life ended way sooner than anyone expected. I didn’t get to take care of you as an crotchety old man. :) And you didn’t get to take care of me as a crotchety old woman. :)

Then I think, no… I don’t want someone like Dale. I want someone who loved me like you did, but now I’m looking for someone who is a bit more outgoing than you were, and more willing to open up your feelings.  You were frustrating in that regard dearest Dale.

Okay, so then there was this guy who I met on a dating site and before we even met he was calling me babe and sweetheart.  I told him to hold his horses – but he didn’t listen…and I guess I didn’t pay attention to the red flags.  We met for lunch, and then went for drinks afterwards. He kissed me a few times and held my hand. Then all heck broke loose – he went to hug me, but he went under my blouse and rubbed his hand against my boob! Well, I grabbed his arm and pulled it away from me. He didn’t quite understand why I was resistant to his show of affection. Hey, it’s by body and if I don’t want you touching it – especially on our first date – then the only thing he needed to understand is that I didn’t want to be touched.  Even after I explained it to him – he said, “well, be that way”, and he left the club.  I had my truck so that wasn’t a problem.  He actually did me a favor – I was trying to figure out how to tell him I didn’t see us as a match.

I’ve had a few other coffee meet-ups, and a few more to come, but I venture to think that they won’t be matches either.

So today, I’m feeling so lonely, and so very sorry for myself.  I deserve love. I deserve someone to love and who will love me back. Why the hell did you have to die, Dale. What purpose did it serve???  God didn’t need you as much as I do.

Dating sucks – no other way to say it. And dating at my age is far more difficult than it was when I was younger.  LOL, and I know where the term “dirty old men” came from.

imageSo, Dale – are you watching over me? Are you waiting for the right guy to come along before you send him my way?  Not sure how much you have to do up there – but if you could put an ASAP on Mr. Right I’d be very appreciative.

Love you always and all ways….

By the way…. here’s what I look like these days

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)

Valentine’s Day Stinks

All day I’ve been wishing it were over. This day of love and showing of affection by showering your loved one with chocolates, flowers, hugs, and kisses is really making me miss you more than ever.  You, dear Dale, were supposed to be my Valentines for life. My heart is hurting so badly today…I feel the pain so deep within my chest.

I began looking for old pictures of you – and surprisingly, I could’t find very many. But with the ones I did find, I created this video for you. I hope you enjoy it… Do you remember the places we went where I took these pictures? I do.

Tribute to Dale

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, Dale. Third Christmas without you arms around me.

I lost it yesterday morning. It came out of the blue. Been fighting a cold, and while blowing my nose I broke down in tears. Krista thought I was crying because I was tired of blowing my brains out. But, alas – I was missing you so much. The rest of the day went downhill from there. Oh, I wasn’t crying all day, but I was in a depressed funk.

Spending Christmas Eve at Amy’s house didn’t help. Matter of fact, I think it made it even worse. Here I was, surrounded by people who love me….and I was so lonely.

Since my fall on Thanksgiving – did I tell you about that? Turkey drippings somehow got on the floor, and I was lucky enough to find it. I landed with a vengence. Bruised my left knee and my left side ribs. Anyway, since falling I’ve been in a funk. Not so much depressed, but I’ve been secluding myself – resisting going out of the house. Don’t worry, I haven’t been total hermit, but if given the choice…and if it didn’t have anything to do with business… I would choose to stay home.

During Lily’s third birthday party, I started feeling my throat go sore. Practically fell asleep at Amy’s house. Went home and went to be. Actually, since my fall, my bedtime has hovered around 5:30pm to 8:30pm. Ugggg… do you remember me EVER going to be THAT early? Moving forward – I’ve just not been the same since my fall, and now compound my cold – I’m a mess. Physically and mentally.

Today, Christmas Day, started out pretty good. I got up early to put out Haylee and Samantha’s presents. We couldn’t put them out beforehand because Pearl would have torn them to pieces. LOL Krista asked if I make Oma’s pancakes for breakfast. Where I got the energy I don’t know. Jeremy and the girls don’t care for them – but I didn’t care. Krista and I enjoyed them, and that’s all that counts. Krista takes such great care of me, the least I could do was make her favorite pancakes.

There’s more to the day… but I won’t go into that. Other that I begin feeling ill. Dizzy and so tired. It was quite a few hours until I began feeling better. It’s close to 9:00pm, so it’s been 7 hours since the dizziness set in.

I played your lottery ticket numbers yesterday. Wasn’t able to watch the news for the winning numbers tonight. I’ll check in the morning. I think I’d rather go to bed not knowing if I won, than go to bed knowing I lost. Although I’ve been thinking positively about winning. Talked to God (and you) about what I would be doing with the money. Sure hope God was listening – sure hope he accommodated my request.

Watching the movie, “You’ve Got Mail” and it made me think of you again. Remember, we met online, and communicated via email most of the time. Wish we were still communicating. Even communicating via email would be better than looking up to the moon and talking to you as if you looking down at me.

I should be writing you more often – I have so much on my mind and in my heart these days. Will try harder.

Miss you dearly, Dale. Even though I’m looking for love again – no one will ever replace you in my heart.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)

I’ll Always Love You

You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you, Peter Pan. That’s where I’ll be waiting. -Tinkerbell

I am a Widow

Good Morning, Dale….

Once again I arrived at the cemetery without flowers. I think about it, but keep forgetting to stop on the way, or even cut some roses from our garden. But, you don’t mind, do you? All I can hear is your gruff voice saying your famous words, ‘I don’t give a crap”. LOL But although you don’t give a crap – one day I WILL remember to bring flowers.

Today’s visit went pretty well, don’t you think? A few tears fell from my eyes, but I recovered quickly. Can’t say I’m used to you being gone, but in a way…. I am.

New Normal

All these years I’ve been trying to find my “new normal”, and now I think I understand what it is. It’s simply living each day without you. I am a widow – oh geeze, it’s still difficult to say. Being a widow can’t define me, however. Early on I used to want to share the good stuff that happened to me. I wanted to run some business ideas past you. I wanted to call you at work just to say I love you. When going to bed at night, or waking up in the morning, I wanted to roll over and give you hugs and kisses. When the weather started getting cold in the evenings, I used to think about how you loved to cuddle up with me in bed to keep you warm. My new normal has become the reality that you, my best friend, are not there for me to do all those things anymore. I am a widow.

I still think about you – and you know that. Most nights I look for you in the stars that shine into my (our) bedroom. Although the conversation is one-sided, I know you’re listening to me. The conversations have changed a little bit, haven’t they? I used to beg you to come back to me. Now I ask you to send me a man who would love me as much as you did. I am a widow – but I am so much more as well. I was made to love someone.

Three years gone by

So, three years ago today I had your memorial service at the Corona Elks Lodge, and your funeral at the Riverside National Cemetery. Someone asked me if it seemed like it’s been three years. I had to think about that question. In all honesty, it seems like so many more years than three. Not sure why.

Might be because so much has happened over the last three years. I’ve dated, lost my job at the OCIWE, gone on two cruises, business ups and downs, the kids and grandkids keeping my busy and on my toes, financial woes, joining the Eastvale Chamber, making friendships with new people, starting a second business with Kim….. wow – so many things keeping my mind, and my life, occupied.

I still miss you

But no matter how many years go by, I will always miss you, Dale. You were the one I was supposed to grow old with. Egads – if I keep saying that, I’ll never find someone to grow old with. I’m going to have to remove that thought from my memory banks. Gotta send out the right thoughts and desires out into the Universe if I want to get what I want.

Sigh – here I sit at Jack-in-the-Box having a coffee and writing these words. My words might not make sense to anyone but me. And that’s okay. These words are for me and for you. It’s all part of my grieving process. I have to wonder, does grieving ever end? Hmmmm, that’s a story for another day.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)

3 Years and Counting

Dear Dale,

Can’t say “Happy Anniversary”, can I? It’s the third anniversary of your passing, but it’s far from happy. At least it’s not happy for me. Sigh.

The last couple of weeks have been a bit tough for me. I’m sure I’ve brought on all this anxiety by myself…wondering
how I would fare on October 28th and 29th. Looking back, I don’t recall this anxiety last year. Not sure why this year is any different, other than the fact that grief comes in waves.

Originally, I thought I’d get away and allow myself to grieve some more by myself…without a house full of people. I even made reservations at a lovely place on Shelter Island in San Diego. Humphrey’s Half Moon Inn and Spa. But alas, I had a large bill come in and needed the hotel money to pay it off. Sad.

During my coaching session with Naomi (holistic health coach I’m working with for my weight issues), she offered her husband’s coaching services. He’s an Apache, and is a grief coach. We met at City Park in Corona, and we talked about you for a couple of hours. We also talked about me and my past with my ex. Seems I have a lot of anger issues I need to get over. Anyway, Bear (yes, that’s his name), opened up a lot of questions for me to answer, and also gave me some clarity about what happened that fateful morning in our bedroom.

Bear told me that you didn’t “fully” pass over that morning because you were fighting to stay with me. You didn’t want to do this to me. For that I’m totally grateful. But, the next day (a year ago today) I had to love you enough to let you go by removing you from the respirator.

So, instead of going away, I took Krista to Temecula for some wine tasting. We had a great time at South Coast Winery…somewhere you and I never went. But, I did carry on our tradition of stopping at Pat & Oscars for some yummy breadsticks.

Anyway, today I’m at John Hammonds’ body shop. He’s a Lodge member and he is graciously fixing the power steering pressure hose. It sprung a leak. Tonight is Taco Tuesday at the Lodge, but I think I’ll pass. Just don’t want to take the chance that I’ll be all mushy.

Oh, I almost forgot…. I KNOW you were with me all evening on Sunday. The cigarette smell was stronger than ever, and you stayed longer than you usually do. I have a feeling you know I was with Bear on Sunday, and you know how much I still love you. I appreciate and love your support, dear Dale. I KNOW things will be okay. I KNOW financially I will be better off real soon. I KNOW that I have to have more faith and trust. And I KNOW that I need to be more confident in myself.

Love you forever.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)

Happy Belated Birthday

Dear Dale,

Hope you celebrated your 65th birthday yesterday with all your loved one. Did you have a big party? I know you really don’t like them – but I still hope you had one.

I didn’t write anything yesterday because I need to stop thinking and focusing on things like birthdays, holidays, and special anniversaries of any kind. I think of you EVERY DAY, and focusing on those special days when they happen – well they just make my grieving take a step backwards.

I had a real busy day yesterday. Between meetings, networking, and karaoke at the Lodge, I was barely home. Staying busy helped to keep my mind focused on me and my life.

Krista kept asking me if I was going to the cemetery. It’s been awhile since I’ve come to visit with you, I know. Next week looks good for a visit with you. Expect to see me then.

Recently I have been doing things to get me squared away from the inside out. Taking classes, reading devotionals, listening to self-help recordings… just so I can figure out who I am these days.

Kevin gave me a book called “Jesus Calling”. It contains daily devotionals. Now… don’t go to Jesus and tell Him I’m reading these. I still have great trouble understanding why God does what he does. And, damn it, some of the devotionals make Him seem so controlling and egotistical. But I promised Kevin I would read each day’s devotional – and I am.

Sweetie – I miss you so much. I absolutely hate that you’re gone. My life has changed soooooo much and keeps changing every day…and sometimes not for the good. Oh sure, I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me back. It’s other things that are bugging me. Won’t go into that just now.

Well, I’ll have to say goodbye for now. I sort of made a mess in the kitchen. Got a bit frustrated earlier by the upside-down condition the house is in. I can’t find anything anymore. I don’t know my own home any longer. It’s frustrating – very frustrating.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie :)

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