Happy Belated Birthday

Dear Dale,

Hope you celebrated your 65th birthday yesterday with all your loved one. Did you have a big party? I know you really don’t like them – but I still hope you had one.

I didn’t write anything yesterday because I need to stop thinking and focusing on things like birthdays, holidays, and special anniversaries of any kind. I think of you EVERY DAY, and focusing on those special days when they happen – well they just make my grieving take a step backwards.

I had a real busy day yesterday. Between meetings, networking, and karaoke at the Lodge, I was barely home. Staying busy helped to keep my mind focused on me and my life.

Krista kept asking me if I was going to the cemetery. It’s been awhile since I’ve come to visit with you, I know. Next week looks good for a visit with you. Expect to see me then.

Recently I have been doing things to get me squared away from the inside out. Taking classes, reading devotionals, listening to self-help recordings… just so I can figure out who I am these days.

Kevin gave me a book called “Jesus Calling”. It contains daily devotionals. Now… don’t go to Jesus and tell Him I’m reading these. I still have great trouble understanding why God does what he does. And, damn it, some of the devotionals make Him seem so controlling and egotistical. But I promised Kevin I would read each day’s devotional – and I am.

Sweetie – I miss you so much. I absolutely hate that you’re gone. My life has changed soooooo much and keeps changing every day…and sometimes not for the good. Oh sure, I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me back. It’s other things that are bugging me. Won’t go into that just now.

Well, I’ll have to say goodbye for now. I sort of made a mess in the kitchen. Got a bit frustrated earlier by the upside-down condition the house is in. I can’t find anything anymore. I don’t know my own home any longer. It’s frustrating – very frustrating.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie

Life in Motion

Dear Dale,

Just got back from my 3-Day cruise to Ensenada. Well, I got back on Monday around noon, and today is Wednesday.  I think I told you that I was going with Kim Lewis and Sue Torres. We had a great time. My knees were a huge issue. I was in pain for the entire trip. Wasn’t easy maneuvering around the ship.  The last day, Sunday, I got sea sick. The ocean was very rough and the waves were high.  All in all, we enjoyed ourselves.

The seas are the only thing rough in my life right now. Bills are piling up – or so they seem. I just get finished paying them and the next bill comes in. Edison is a real concern right now. I’m behind and even with the payment plan they’ve devised, I’m still unable to pay them.

The business is going through a rough patch right now as well.  I’m just not excited about social media anymore and am very tired of trying to keep up on the latest and greatest online tool or new feature.  I’m failing in the marketing end of business because I’m not passionate about what I do anymore.  This morning I connected with a gal who does what I do and as it turns out, she’s not good – or comfortable – at marketing herself.  We’ve been trying to connect via the phone for months, but it’s always one thing or the other either on her end or mine. Anyway, we’re going to be a perfect fit for each other.  I’ll be better able to market the business knowing that I have someone who likes doing social media, and is up on the whole thing – something in which I am falling behind.

But once again, life is in motion.  I’ve always known that I have a book inside of me, but I just wasn’t sure what it was.  The night before the cruise my brain was churning and churning around. The book title just rang out – “Through the Eyes of a Widow”. The book would be about the experiences, feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc, I’ve had since you passed away. Dealing with your passing, the kids moving in, moving on with my business, dating, friends,  work, and all the other things that happen to me and I had to deal with since you’ve been gone.  I want to help others move past the grief.  Sure, I know that there are a lot of books out there helping people get over their grief. I’ve read a couple of excerpts from some. Problem is that these authors write books without considering their readers.  During one excerpt I had to look up 3 words – from only the first page!!!  Why can’t people write in plain English?  And that’s what I want to do. Write from the heart without any complicated thoughts and words.  My book will be for the average American reader – not the physiologist or therapist…or the uppity ups and their $10 words. Oh, and many of the books are written by professionals who never even experienced losing a spouse first hand. No one can come close to understanding the feelings that we have unless they’ve gone through it.

So, what do you think? Does it sound like a good idea?  Send me a sign… and I’ll move forward with this new adventure.  Hmmm, and just in case I miss the sign, I’ll probably do it anyway. LOL

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie

Be My Guide

Dear Dale, my life used to be so clear. I had you, I had a business that was doing well, I knew where I was going. Since you’ve passed away I’ve been so confused, so alone, and so unclear as to what I want to do with my life.

While you were alive, social media was so exciting to me. Not so much anymore. So many more people are doing what I’m doing, and most are doing better than me. Actually, at this point I’m not doing it well at all. There are changes every day to the way we use Social Media, new systems, and so much more. I’m feeling left out. I can’t keep up. I’m tired of all of this. It gets more difficult every day. Writing my column and blog are becoming a chore. I almost don’t want to do it anymore.

And now I’m at a loss as what to do.

This is what I was thinking this morning. Maybe I should quit the whole social media thing as a business, and use what I know for a new passion….helping other widows and widowers through their grief. Not as a grief counselor, of course. I don’t have the credentials for that. But through a new blog, and maybe some speaking gigs. I think I’d be good at it. What do you think?

Need to think more. I need to figure out how to made money with this. I’ll look for a sign from you. Please guide me, Dale. You were always my guide hen you were alive… I need you to be my guide right now.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie

Starting Another New Year Without You

Very quickly, my dear Dale, 2012 is coming to an end and 2013 will soon be here.  I have such mixed emotions right now.

On the one hand, I am still missing you so very much and my heart is still broken by your passing.  I can still feel you next to me when I’m snuggled in bed. Especially on those cold nights when you and I would have cuddled together to keep each other warm.  The scent of your warmth is still so fresh…even after over the two years you’ve been gone.

But, because I loved you so much, and I still have the memories of all the happy times – and yes the not so happy times – my heart has all this love just building up inside of my chest.  Dale… my sweet Dale… I need to have someone to love.

The start of 2013 is a symbol of another year I’m starting off alone…again.  There seems to be no reason to celebrate.  I’m hurting so much inside right now… my chest is pounding like crazy.

I’ve made friends with a few men over the past year. But I won’t be with any of them to start off 2013. I haven’t made a deep enough connection to them – nor them to me – to spend this special night with any one of them.

Here comes in the mixed emotions….

I WANT to have a deep connection with one of them. He’ll be in Oregon with family for New Year’s Eve, and he’s sort of the quiet type… somewhat like you. He’s sweet and such a gentleman. He’s smart and funny…and he loves his kids and grandkids. Joe is a widower. He lost his wife about five years ago. He too is still grieving, and is learning to let go. Each time we go out we bring our relationship a bit closer.  Like you, Joe is an old fashioned guy… so we’ve only held hands while going to the movies.

And then there’s Ted. He’s in Washington state. I’ve known him, from Facebook, for years… well before you passed away. He was always one of those Facebook friends who commented on my status updates. Actually, I think you spoke with him when we looked into the Market America MLM opportunity. Remember, we attended a webinar with him and his supervisor? Anyway, we’ve been chatting more and more on Facebook. We Skyped one night and we’ve been talking to each other most every day. By phone, text, Facebook, email… we keep in touch. I think that if he were closer I would  be dating him.

There is another guy – who is totally wrong for me – but there is something about him that I’m attracted to. I think it’s his confidence – and he’s so freaking smart.  We had a discussion the other night, and our relationship will remain as friends.

I know this is sort of weird. My letter to you starts off with how much my heart is breaking because I miss you so much, and it ends up as a laundry list of the men I’ve met.

This is where I get mad at you and want to yell at you for dying. If you didn’t die, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. I wouldn’t be going through this. I wouldn’t be sharing my laundry list with you. Damn you, Dale. I should have made you go to the doctor sooner. I should have risked you getting mad at me. I should have, I should have, I should have!!!!!  But, no matter how many times I say “I should have”… it’s not going to bring you back.  And now I AM struggling with the dating thing. I AM struggling with my emotions. I HATE what’s happening to me. I DON’T like being alone.  I WAS NOT MADE TO BE ALONE – I WAS MADE TO LOVE A MAN, TO TAKE CARE OF HIM – TO LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. YOU were that man, Dale.

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie

Say Hello to My Mother

Hi Dale, I’m sure that you’ve seen my mother up in heaven with you.  I’m hoping that she is as beautiful as she was when she was young.  I also hope that she is happy being with my father, her sister, and all her family and friends who have passed before her.  Give her a big hug for me, Sweet Dale. Tell her I love her.  I don’t think she quite understood me when I told her over the phone some weeks ago.

Mom’s memorial was today. I was unable to attend, for a number of reasons.  I’ve been whining about my issues I’ve been having with my sister – but the whining has to stop.  Money was a huge issue. I would have had to pay for not only airfare, but the hotel and car rental.  Plus, my right knee is still all jacked up.  I honestly think that the flight to Houston last year had a contributing effect on what is wrong with my knee. Flying out for the memorial would have made me so nervous – I just can’t be in a wheelchair again.

The last few days have dredged up so many feelings that I had thought I had put behind me.  I kept remembering how horrible I felt when you passed away. I was so scared.  I’m not scared now, and I think my distance (in miles) from my mother has made it easier for me to cope with her passing. But, the feeling of loss is tightening my heart again.

My life still has to go on though.

I’ll always love you…

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie

I Love You, But…

Dear Dale,

Wow… So much has happened since we’ve last chatted. Since you never did like the long stories I told, and since I’ve got so much to tell you… I’mk just going to give you the highlights in bullet points.

1. I was able to secure a credit card. Kari told me that I was able to bank at Schools First Federal Credit Union. So I opened a account and applied for a credit card. I was thrilled that I was okayed for a card. It’s a huge step for me and and affirmation that I washable to make it on my own.

2. With that credit card I bought an iPad2. You remember how much I’ve wanted one. I also upgraded my os3 to an os4.cnow. Y iPhone and iPad pretty mulch talk to each other. Running my business has become so much easier.

3. My dream of going to college has finally come true. Long story how it happened, but it pretty much happened overnight. So, I’m attending Ashford University. The actual college is in Iowa, but I’m attending online. My first course is winding down. Matter of fact, I submitted my final paper this afternoon.On Tuesday I start my second class, Psychology 202. So, far school has been coming along nicely. My iPad has been a priceless companion for school.

4. Amy went for gastric surgery. She had some complications and will be having a procedure to rectify the situation.

5. My mom is still dealing with the effects of her bladder surgery. In and out of the hospital. I wanted to go out to see her, but Dotty said no because she is overwhelmed right now. I’m sure she is…her life has changed tremendously since Mom’s cancer surgery.

6. I’m starting two new businesses. Terra Media Marking Group will be a membership site for all thing marketing, advertising and branding…an much more. Business Owners Select is a new kind of networking group for business owners only. Kim Lewis (you don’t know her) is my partner.

7. This is the hard on to tell you. I am so lonely. I’ve found out that I don’t need a man in my life, but I want a man in my life. So, I’ve made the decision to find a companion. I signed up for match.com and eHarmony.com. I’ve met a few nice guy..and a few not so nice. In the beginning I always compared them to you. Wrong… I had to stop looking for another Dale.

8. Sweet Dale, I have to tell you that I’ve someone I like a lot. His name is Steve… We’re “Steve and Eydie”. LOL He’s a really nice guy, and he’s crazy abut me. He’s funny, loves kids and animals, and likes to talk.

Dale… NO ONE will ever compare to you. You left some really big shoes to fill, but Steve is making me happy. I hope you understand my feelings. When I first thought about dating again, I was scared. I was also afraid that you would think I’ve forgotten about you..but the opposite has happened. I think I’ve been thinking about you even more.

Steve’s wife of 36 years passed away the April before you did. We have a lot of feelings in common. He misses his wife, Pat, as much as I miss you. He and I are both ready to move forward and make new memories. I know you would want me to be happy – at least I hope you would.

Please be happy for me, sweet Dale.

My heart still aches for you, and my eyes still well up…tears running down my cheek. You will always be part of who I am.

Sweet dreams my love,

Eydie

New Journeys

Dear Dale,

Don’t be mad – I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written. I figure that you already know what’s going on in my life because you’re up there making sure I’m okay and only good things come my way. You always did take such good care of me, and I know you always will.

So, let me tell you what’s been happening around here. Oh boy… where do I begin?

1. Kat Meezan took some great new headshots for my business card. She’s amazing and made me look so terrific that I almost hate to use the pictures for fear that when someone sees me in person they’ll think I’m deceiving them.

What do you think of the pic on the left? Do I look the way you remember? Not bad for a 60 year old – don’t you think?

I had the picture taken after a fresh haircut by Tami at Studio 700 – that salon on Grand just up the street from Dustin’s apartment complex. Spent more than I wanted, but was tired of the crappy Fantastic Sam’s cuts I’ve been getting.

This picture is on my new business cards. Printing Connection designed the card and printed them. I think they did a heck of a great job and the price can’t be beat.

2. I met this guy named Joe. About 3 or 4 months after you passed away, I joined a social site called ‘Eons’. They’ve got all kinds of interest groups and I joined one called ‘Widows and Widowers’. Everyone talks about their feelings, asks questions and just casual conversation. We all have one thing in common – and that’s losing their best friend, their spouse.

Anyway, Joe Gonzales started talking with me. Turns out he lives in Upland. He’s also on Facebook and we began playing Words with Friends. I’ve met Joe twice. Really nice guy – but only as a friend. If he were about 6 inches taller, I might consider him more than a friend.

Joe lost his wife four years ago and he’s still struggling with the lose. We chat via email, Facebook, Words, phone, text, and we’ve had lunch together. We’re planning on going to movies, etc.  You’re going to love this…. he’s a John Wayne fan – even more than you were!  Joe actually named one of his sons – John Wayne Gonzales. Can you imagine???

I sold your John Wayne statues to him. He was thrilled!!!

3. Terra Media Marketing – like the sound of that? It’s my new business.  I’m coaching with Nicole Kinney at the Inland Empire Women’s Business Center. She’s been amazing!!  Eventually, I’ll apply for an SBA loan – but in the meantime I’ll power through this on my own.  Nicole is such a help and together I’m going to make this new business a success.  At the moment, I’m keeping the basis of the new business under wraps… like Apple, I want to keep this top secret until it’s launched!

4. You don’t know Kim Lewis, but I’m starting ANOTHER business with her. Business Owners Select.  It’s a networking group with  a different focus from the others. First of all…anyone who wants to join HAS to have their business license / DBA / or LLC or S-Corp. Kim and I are tired of networking with MLM’s and Direct Sales companaies. We want to network – and work with – entreprenuers and business owners who don’t have to answer to corporate. We’re still in the planning stages – but hope to launch by March, 2012.

5. While working with Nicole from the IEWBC, she told me I should check my credit report to see what’s there. This way we’d have a better understanding of where I stand when it comes to applying for an SBA loan.  Well, I was floored when I found out my credit score! Which brings me to this next bit of good news….. Kari, my boss from the Orange County Insitute for Women Entrepreneurs, told me that I’m able to apply for membership with Schools First Federal Credit Union because I’m on staff with the college district.

Cool.. so I applied online and all of a sudden I got my ATM card, checks, etc… in the mail and I hadn’t even gone to the bank!  Wow… way cool. Then I applied for a credit card. Living paycheck to paycheck and invoice to invoice is rough… you know that. I need to have a credit card to move my business forward. Guess what?? I was approved for a $5,000 credit line! I cried tears of joy!

It was at that point when I realized that I had actually made it! I made it on my own – without any help from anyone one! I was so relieved and so proud of myself and what I had accomplished.

My first purchase will be an iPad and a new iPhone. I’ll need it for my new businesses… and certainly will help in Eydie’s Office as well.

6. I’m working with Loy Palmeri over at Rhino Fitness. She’s my personal trainer and I’m loving my workout. Loy introduced me to boxing at my second session and I fell in love with it. I purchased my own gloves.  That’s me at Loy’s gym (see the pic on the left). What do you think? Sexy?

It’s so much fun! Great for stress relief as well.  The first time I boxed I pictured Jeremy’s father in law on the bag. He totally pissed me off on Christmas Day…. I beat the bag silly!  The following week I tried to picture someone I was upset with… but couldn’t see anyone.

All of a sudden – YOUR face appeared on the bag!!!  I got so mad at you for leaving me that I punched harder and harder and harder. Finally, I started crying and had to stop. I was so mad at you, Dale. So mad!!!!  But, I know you didn’t leave me on purpose.

After that session, I actually felt a whole lot better. So much so, that I decided that I needed to start a new chapter in my life.  I’m lonely, Sweetie – very lonely. Even though Krista, Jeremy, Haylee and Samantha are living with me – I’m all alone.

7. I signed up with Match.com.  This is one of the pictures Kat took of me. I’ve been getting a lot of attention on Match. There are a few guys I’ve been emailing…and some I’m talking to on the phone.

I can’t believe how many jerks there are out there, Dale. Even in their 60′s they just don’t get it. Also.. I guess you were a young looking 62 year old…. cuz the guys who say they’re between 55 and 65 are just plain old – OLD! LOL They look 70 – and most of them act like they’re 70! Sure, I have aches and pains – arthritic knees…but dang it… I’m still young, motivated, passionate, and looking for fun! I’m looking for companionship – not marriage.

A few guys thought they’s impress me by boasting about their huge video and DVD collections. Give me a break – if that’s all you do – watch movies at home – well, I don’t need you. I need someone who wants to go out and have some fun!

I hope you’re okay with me wanting to date again.  I figure that you want me to be happy – you always did.  Problem is that I don’t think I’ll find someone who could compare to you my love.

8. My mother is finally getting well again. The doctors removed her bladder and gave her a bag… but after the surgery, she began feeling ill. Throwing up, the Big D… just feeling so sick. Couldn’t eat – nothing. She lost so much weight and energy. They finally figured out what was wrong and now she’s on the track to recovery.  Mom went to Dotty’s house last Wednesday and is craving, of all things, chocolate!  She hadn’t been eating chocolate for years because it wasn’t good for her heart – but now she can’t get enough! Too funny!!!

9. Guess What!!!  I’m going to college. It’s a long story how this all came about, but I’ll be going to Ashford University – online. I’ll be going for my AA in Business, then for my BA in e-Marketing. In four years I’ll be a college graduate!  I was supposed to start this coming Tuesday, but some things went haywire so I might start at the end of February.  I’ve been approved for financial aid… I just don’t know how much right now. That’s where things went haywire. Hopefully I’ll know more tomorrow.

Well now… I think that might be all the exciting news I have right now… oh, wait… One more thing… actually three!

10. Jeremy FINALLY got a job. He started working at Stater Bros. on Hidden Valley.  We’re so excited about this…. finally something stable. No more stupid lousy construction jobs. It’s part-time for now, and doing the carts, clean-up and stuff – but at least he’s got his foot in the door so when something better comes along he can apply.

12. Amy is going to have gastric bypass surgery on Wednesday… would you please keep an eye out for her?

13. We’ve got three cats now. Tommy (our baby), Jerry, Star and Velcro. Velcro is still a little kitten… he got sick about 10 days ago. Took him to the vet and now he’s better.  Unfortunatly, Tommy got sick as well. I thought he was going to die.  The vet wasn’t sure what was up with him. Had him tested for feline leukemia… thank goodness that was negative. But he wouldn’t eat at all. Vet gave him antibiotics but they didn’t seem to help either. We got antacids from the Vet because sometimes the antibiotics can make animals nauseas. He also gave Tommy something to stimulate his appetite!  Hurray! it worked… Tommy was yelling at me to let him out of my bedroom… I had him quarrentined there while he was sick! The yelling was continous so I let him out. We’re one big happy family again!

I think this letter to you shows me that I shouldn’t let so much time pass in-between writing. When you get a chance… write back, won’t you? Yes, I know you don’t like to write – but I think you can find a way. Or, heck – give me a call! I’d love to hear your deep, sexy voice again. Sigh

Love you and miss you terribly,

Sweet Dreams My Love,

Eydie