You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you, Peter Pan. That’s where I’ll be waiting. -Tinkerbell
Can’t say “Happy Anniversary”, can I? It’s the third anniversary of your passing, but it’s far from happy. At least it’s not happy for me. Sigh.
The last couple of weeks have been a bit tough for me. I’m sure I’ve brought on all this anxiety by myself…wondering
how I would fare on October 28th and 29th. Looking back, I don’t recall this anxiety last year. Not sure why this year is any different, other than the fact that grief comes in waves.
Originally, I thought I’d get away and allow myself to grieve some more by myself…without a house full of people. I even made reservations at a lovely place on Shelter Island in San Diego. Humphrey’s Half Moon Inn and Spa. But alas, I had a large bill come in and needed the hotel money to pay it off. Sad.
During my coaching session with Naomi (holistic health coach I’m working with for my weight issues), she offered her husband’s coaching services. He’s an Apache, and is a grief coach. We met at City Park in Corona, and we talked about you for a couple of hours. We also talked about me and my past with my ex. Seems I have a lot of anger issues I need to get over. Anyway, Bear (yes, that’s his name), opened up a lot of questions for me to answer, and also gave me some clarity about what happened that fateful morning in our bedroom.
Bear told me that you didn’t “fully” pass over that morning because you were fighting to stay with me. You didn’t want to do this to me. For that I’m totally grateful. But, the next day (a year ago today) I had to love you enough to let you go by removing you from the respirator.
So, instead of going away, I took Krista to Temecula for some wine tasting. We had a great time at South Coast Winery…somewhere you and I never went. But, I did carry on our tradition of stopping at Pat & Oscars for some yummy breadsticks.
Anyway, today I’m at John Hammonds’ body shop. He’s a Lodge member and he is graciously fixing the power steering pressure hose. It sprung a leak. Tonight is Taco Tuesday at the Lodge, but I think I’ll pass. Just don’t want to take the chance that I’ll be all mushy.
Oh, I almost forgot…. I KNOW you were with me all evening on Sunday. The cigarette smell was stronger than ever, and you stayed longer than you usually do. I have a feeling you know I was with Bear on Sunday, and you know how much I still love you. I appreciate and love your support, dear Dale. I KNOW things will be okay. I KNOW financially I will be better off real soon. I KNOW that I have to have more faith and trust. And I KNOW that I need to be more confident in myself.
Love you forever.
Sweet Dreams My Love,
Hope you celebrated your 65th birthday yesterday with all your loved one. Did you have a big party? I know you really don’t like them – but I still hope you had one.
I didn’t write anything yesterday because I need to stop thinking and focusing on things like birthdays, holidays, and special anniversaries of any kind. I think of you EVERY DAY, and focusing on those special days when they happen – well they just make my grieving take a step backwards.
I had a real busy day yesterday. Between meetings, networking, and karaoke at the Lodge, I was barely home. Staying busy helped to keep my mind focused on me and my life.
Krista kept asking me if I was going to the cemetery. It’s been awhile since I’ve come to visit with you, I know. Next week looks good for a visit with you. Expect to see me then.
Recently I have been doing things to get me squared away from the inside out. Taking classes, reading devotionals, listening to self-help recordings… just so I can figure out who I am these days.
Kevin gave me a book called “Jesus Calling”. It contains daily devotionals. Now… don’t go to Jesus and tell Him I’m reading these. I still have great trouble understanding why God does what he does. And, damn it, some of the devotionals make Him seem so controlling and egotistical. But I promised Kevin I would read each day’s devotional – and I am.
Sweetie – I miss you so much. I absolutely hate that you’re gone. My life has changed soooooo much and keeps changing every day…and sometimes not for the good. Oh sure, I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me back. It’s other things that are bugging me. Won’t go into that just now.
Well, I’ll have to say goodbye for now. I sort of made a mess in the kitchen. Got a bit frustrated earlier by the upside-down condition the house is in. I can’t find anything anymore. I don’t know my own home any longer. It’s frustrating – very frustrating.
Sweet Dreams My Love,
Just got back from my 3-Day cruise to Ensenada. Well, I got back on Monday around noon, and today is Wednesday. I think I told you that I was going with Kim Lewis and Sue Torres. We had a great time. My knees were a huge issue. I was in pain for the entire trip. Wasn’t easy maneuvering around the ship. The last day, Sunday, I got sea sick. The ocean was very rough and the waves were high. All in all, we enjoyed ourselves.
The seas are the only thing rough in my life right now. Bills are piling up – or so they seem. I just get finished paying them and the next bill comes in. Edison is a real concern right now. I’m behind and even with the payment plan they’ve devised, I’m still unable to pay them.
The business is going through a rough patch right now as well. I’m just not excited about social media anymore and am very tired of trying to keep up on the latest and greatest online tool or new feature. I’m failing in the marketing end of business because I’m not passionate about what I do anymore. This morning I connected with a gal who does what I do and as it turns out, she’s not good – or comfortable – at marketing herself. We’ve been trying to connect via the phone for months, but it’s always one thing or the other either on her end or mine. Anyway, we’re going to be a perfect fit for each other. I’ll be better able to market the business knowing that I have someone who likes doing social media, and is up on the whole thing – something in which I am falling behind.
But once again, life is in motion. I’ve always known that I have a book inside of me, but I just wasn’t sure what it was. The night before the cruise my brain was churning and churning around. The book title just rang out – “Through the Eyes of a Widow”. The book would be about the experiences, feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc, I’ve had since you passed away. Dealing with your passing, the kids moving in, moving on with my business, dating, friends, work, and all the other things that happen to me and I had to deal with since you’ve been gone. I want to help others move past the grief. Sure, I know that there are a lot of books out there helping people get over their grief. I’ve read a couple of excerpts from some. Problem is that these authors write books without considering their readers. During one excerpt I had to look up 3 words – from only the first page!!! Why can’t people write in plain English? And that’s what I want to do. Write from the heart without any complicated thoughts and words. My book will be for the average American reader – not the physiologist or therapist…or the uppity ups and their $10 words. Oh, and many of the books are written by professionals who never even experienced losing a spouse first hand. No one can come close to understanding the feelings that we have unless they’ve gone through it.
So, what do you think? Does it sound like a good idea? Send me a sign… and I’ll move forward with this new adventure. Hmmm, and just in case I miss the sign, I’ll probably do it anyway. LOL
Sweet Dreams My Love,
Dear Dale, my life used to be so clear. I had you, I had a business that was doing well, I knew where I was going. Since you’ve passed away I’ve been so confused, so alone, and so unclear as to what I want to do with my life.
While you were alive, social media was so exciting to me. Not so much anymore. So many more people are doing what I’m doing, and most are doing better than me. Actually, at this point I’m not doing it well at all. There are changes every day to the way we use Social Media, new systems, and so much more. I’m feeling left out. I can’t keep up. I’m tired of all of this. It gets more difficult every day. Writing my column and blog are becoming a chore. I almost don’t want to do it anymore.
And now I’m at a loss as what to do.
This is what I was thinking this morning. Maybe I should quit the whole social media thing as a business, and use what I know for a new passion….helping other widows and widowers through their grief. Not as a grief counselor, of course. I don’t have the credentials for that. But through a new blog, and maybe some speaking gigs. I think I’d be good at it. What do you think?
Need to think more. I need to figure out how to made money with this. I’ll look for a sign from you. Please guide me, Dale. You were always my guide hen you were alive… I need you to be my guide right now.
Sweet Dreams My Love,
Very quickly, my dear Dale, 2012 is coming to an end and 2013 will soon be here. I have such mixed emotions right now.
On the one hand, I am still missing you so very much and my heart is still broken by your passing. I can still feel you next to me when I’m snuggled in bed. Especially on those cold nights when you and I would have cuddled together to keep each other warm. The scent of your warmth is still so fresh…even after over the two years you’ve been gone.
But, because I loved you so much, and I still have the memories of all the happy times – and yes the not so happy times – my heart has all this love just building up inside of my chest. Dale… my sweet Dale… I need to have someone to love.
The start of 2013 is a symbol of another year I’m starting off alone…again. There seems to be no reason to celebrate. I’m hurting so much inside right now… my chest is pounding like crazy.
I’ve made friends with a few men over the past year. But I won’t be with any of them to start off 2013. I haven’t made a deep enough connection to them – nor them to me – to spend this special night with any one of them.
Here comes in the mixed emotions….
I WANT to have a deep connection with one of them. He’ll be in Oregon with family for New Year’s Eve, and he’s sort of the quiet type… somewhat like you. He’s sweet and such a gentleman. He’s smart and funny…and he loves his kids and grandkids. Joe is a widower. He lost his wife about five years ago. He too is still grieving, and is learning to let go. Each time we go out we bring our relationship a bit closer. Like you, Joe is an old fashioned guy… so we’ve only held hands while going to the movies.
And then there’s Ted. He’s in Washington state. I’ve known him, from Facebook, for years… well before you passed away. He was always one of those Facebook friends who commented on my status updates. Actually, I think you spoke with him when we looked into the Market America MLM opportunity. Remember, we attended a webinar with him and his supervisor? Anyway, we’ve been chatting more and more on Facebook. We Skyped one night and we’ve been talking to each other most every day. By phone, text, Facebook, email… we keep in touch. I think that if he were closer I would be dating him.
There is another guy – who is totally wrong for me – but there is something about him that I’m attracted to. I think it’s his confidence – and he’s so freaking smart. We had a discussion the other night, and our relationship will remain as friends.
I know this is sort of weird. My letter to you starts off with how much my heart is breaking because I miss you so much, and it ends up as a laundry list of the men I’ve met.
This is where I get mad at you and want to yell at you for dying. If you didn’t die, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. I wouldn’t be going through this. I wouldn’t be sharing my laundry list with you. Damn you, Dale. I should have made you go to the doctor sooner. I should have risked you getting mad at me. I should have, I should have, I should have!!!!! But, no matter how many times I say “I should have”… it’s not going to bring you back. And now I AM struggling with the dating thing. I AM struggling with my emotions. I HATE what’s happening to me. I DON’T like being alone. I WAS NOT MADE TO BE ALONE – I WAS MADE TO LOVE A MAN, TO TAKE CARE OF HIM – TO LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART. YOU were that man, Dale.
Sweet Dreams My Love,